none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
