And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
