i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
