We named our party play list daddy issues
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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