So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
