I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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