I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
