There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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