just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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