You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
