Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
