i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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