so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
