i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
