Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
