mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
