Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
