if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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