I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
