so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
