i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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