How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
