Whod you bang
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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