i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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