well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your penis caused this!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
