mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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