The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
