My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
