lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
