You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
