I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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