Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
