she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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