Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
