You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
