i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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