So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
