you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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