I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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