I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
