sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
