I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
