shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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