you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
