Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
