I wish I only lived at night.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
