is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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