Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
