I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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