dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize