why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He had one of those small greek statue penises
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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