The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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