I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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