i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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