Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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