I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
