By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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