I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You took a bar mat shot.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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