I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
